December is Darkest, In June There’s the Light

First off, if you haven’t heard Someday I’ll Be Forgiven For This by Justin Townes Earle, then gear up, click this link, and do yourself a favor. Then keep reading.

It’s ’bout time there was a post on Hey Lou. But in my defense, I’ve been busy. I usually dislike that excuse, but this time it’s true. If I wasn’t at work the last two weeks, I was with family that was in town, trying to write, or seeing good friends….

Because that’s what the holidays are for!!! I’m 100% positive that I’m not alone in that hustle and bustle .

why in the world am I sad? silly kids

This month (as all Decembers in my life are turning out to be) was a fun/evolving/growing/learning and interesting month. I say that with all the meaning those words can give.

Relationships, people… relationships.

Once again, my relationships with people shifted into a new realm. I found forgiveness in my soul for people I found it very difficult to consider forgiving. I saw light and joy in people I hardly know. I saw my view of the people in my life changing, as I changed, and tried to fit all of those pieces back together again.

I’m just not a winter person. I need my sunlight. I need my warmth. I much prefer sunlight over moonlight. I wish it wasn’t so true.

life is good…. SUMMER

When it’s cold out, lyrics and voices and side glances from others are amplified in a mysterious way. Songs hit me hard. I listen to the same ones over and over again.

I’ve been listening to another song lately: Calender Girl by Stars.

I feel as though it’s my song. You know when each lyric just feels…. like you? That’s how this song is for me. (I should have added above that each time I wasn’t doing one of those “busy” things, I was driving somewhere and listening to music the entire time.)

“If I am lost for a day try to find me, but if I don’t come back then I won’t look behind me. All of the things that I thought were so easy just got harder and harder each day. December is darkest, in June there’s the light…” 

Sometimes I still feel lost in my own little world and there are times when I’m on the highway driving and I think to myself, “What would happen if I just drove?” Who would freak out first, if I didn’t show up where I was expected? Who would cheer me on? Who wouldn’t even notice? (I have to wait until summer anyway, because I’m not risking getting stuck on the side of the road in the freezing cold.)

What does lost mean? Can one be lost with a friend beside them?

“I dreamed I was dying, as I so often do. And when I awoke I was sure it was true. I ran to the window, threw my head to the sky and said, ‘Whoever is up there, please don’t let me die.’ But I can’t live forever, I can’t always be. One day I’ll be sand on a beach by the sea.”

I have a nightmare problem. Sadly, I have about 2 nice dreams I remember after 24 years of life and a whole slew (yes, slew) of horrible dreams. The first nightmare I remember is when from when I was 6. Guess what? It was winter. The scene was cold. In my very first remembered nightmare, I was freezing.

In my most recent nightmare, I wasn’t cold, but the scene was mostly black and white and I was lost, confused, and traumatized to a certain degree. Have you ever dreamed of someone you know scaring you or being injured in a way that scares you (which, as it turns out, is most horrific if that person is actually one of the nicest you’ve ever met)? I can usually separate myself from those bad dreams in time to not freak out, cry, or fear for my life once I’m awake. Yet, this past week, I slipped into kid mode and when I woke up from my nightmare it took another thirty minutes at least to calm down and stop crying. I just wanted to know that the person I’d dreamed about was okay. I just wanted that comfort, because at the time, it was the only thing I was unsure about in life and the only concern I had. It’s amazing how the brain works (er, doesn’t work?) at 2 A.M.

I was unsettled the next day, jumpy, and I swear my heart never actually stopped pumping in a very visible and noisy way.

So come on, June. What are you waiting for?

When I have nice dreams, I have to call them daydreams. They don’t happen when I’m asleep. Nice dreams include:

Lying on the grass beside someone and looking over to see them smiling at you. 

Getting an unexpected gift (not necessarily tangible.)

Hugging someone so tight you feel like you might crack their rib. 

A sweet kiss. 

Laughing your head off. 

Driving around listening to music.

And, thank God, these things are more than dreams. They actually happen in real life, unlike nightmares. :)

Do you have nightmares? Are you a daytime person or a nighttime person? Winter or summer?

Or are you one of those extremely lucky and somewhat unaffected individuals, and the weather/light situation is something you hardly notice?

hm

Love, Lou

ps Okay, I did do one cool thing in the cold. I went to River of Lights with my sister and her family. That was FUN even thought I couldn’t feel my toes.

yayyyy

 

Cider Bar Rules (And A Flashback)

My favorite thing to do right now is drink a cider with my twin. Luckily, I did this very thing last night.

cider time

While drinking a cider at a bar with your sister and best friends, here are the rules:

Laugh and cause a ruckus.

Eat an entire gluten free pizza in the process, because that rarely happens. ;)

Don’t think about life and don’t get serious. Save that for later.

I’ve been pondering life lately, which could sound deep and profound, but usually it’s small little thoughts that don’t amount to much. Like:

“Why did I say _____?”

“What do I feel about ____?”

“Why does ______ affect me this way?”

“When ____ said ____ I felt ___. WHY?”

“What am I doing?”

Your typical, run of the mill life questions.

I recently had a conversation with a friend about life changing moments. We both agreed that people can change quickly. I said, “An entire lifetime can happen in one day.” By that I mean, something so profound can happen that changes you forever.

You can age, so so much, in one day.

You can suddenly feel younger.

Your opinions can change, your entire outlook on life. Not even in a day, but sometimes in just one moment. All it takes is the perfect sentence to be read or heard… all it takes is a look in someone’s eye or a feeling of being cared for or something to strike you as so sad and horrible that a part of you is stuck in that experience forever and you now live life … just… differently.

I have been thinking about this a lot. I have been wondering who I was one year ago. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself and rarely do I want to go back, but sometimes I sit and ponder why I wrote what I wrote, why I said what I said, and ultimately, how was I justifying my actions?

Then I did something I rarely do (because once I write something, I have a bad habit of never wanting to read it again… unless it’s a manuscript that still needs work, which is all of them right now) and I looked at what I was writing here on Hey Lou Writes almost exactly a year ago. The closest date was December 8th. Close enough, right?

Me on Dec. 8, 2012.

one year ago

How I feel NOW: (and my current FB profile pic, haha)

pensive?

Do I look older? Wiser? Is anything in a photograph real?

Here’s a link to that older post. I want to share it because it seems to be coming from a different version of Lou. Though I remember writing this post well, I am also baffled as to how I was that person. I can no longer stay up so late without some serious consequences (aka, being really tired.) I still carry around the same journal and others, but my notes are much more sporatic.

But I’m still having Too Many Thoughts.

I still love the Rumi quote. I still am haunted by a memory monster.

Yet I am a completely different person in so many ways, it’s hard to know where to start.

If you take a look at the post from a year ago, I’d love to know what you think. Did you change as much as I did?

Is there a moment (or a more than one) in your life that changed you for good? Has a lifetime happened in one day?

Let me know if I’m not alone…..

Love, Lou